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It was not my intention to drop completely off the blogging radar, but sometimes life calls. About two months ago, in response a friend's question regarding how my mother was doing, I wrote that although she wasn't in great shape, she at least seemed to have stabilized for now. At the time "stable" felt like a relief to say after the summer we'd just experienced. I still vividly remember hesitating with my choice of the word "stable". Although not really superstitious, I did worry that using my mom's name and "stable" in the same sentence might jinx the situation. I was hopeful though, so I kept it as is. As it turned out using "stable" was a bit premature.

Mom suddenly lost her ability to walk on October 29th and spent three weeks in the hospital. She then spent two weeks at a rehabilitation center trying unsuccessfully to learn to walk again. The rehab was too intensive given her overall weakness. It was recommended that she go to a skilled nursing facility where the therapy would be conducted at a pace more suitable to her current condition. This has caused considerable angst between my grandmother and us (my sister, my brother, and myself). My grandmother is hard of hearing which makes these discussions all the more difficult. My grandmother won't hear of a nursing home. She wants her home. In truth, we all want her home, but we disagree on the best path there. Going home directly means 2 care workers in the house 24/7 as she is completely bedridden and it takes at least two people to lift her. It also means less therapy than she would receive in the skilled nursing facility. The reality of the situation is that my mom cannot afford in-home care. In my heart I also believe that she will get better care and therapy at a facility.

Both my sister and I have offered to have my mom transferred to a facility near either one of us and for my grandmother to move into our homes. They are adamant that they want to stay in their current city. Even though I feel that my mother's care could be better monitored with more eyes on the situation I can't make them move. I am finding peace currently by continuing to let them know that my offer is still on the table should they change their minds. In light of their desire, my sister and I spent an afternoon touring facilities. We found a nice one that was close enough that my grandmother could very easily visit everyday. We took my grandmother to tour the facility and even got her blessing. The rehab facility had a wonderful caseworker who helped me get the arrangements made. My mom was all set to go on Tuesday.

I received a call Tuesday morning saying that she was being readmitted to the hospital because her liver was not functioning properly. In the last few days test after test has been run and we are waiting on the results. We do not yet know what is wrong this time, what procedure, if any, will be needed, if she is even strong enough to endure anything else, and she has lost her spot at the nursing facility and moved onto the waiting list.

Everything is up in the air again. I hate the feeling. I'm a planner. I'm an organizer. I'm a fixer. I'm a bit of a control freak. While it may seem silly (or at least leave gaping holes) to base one's life philosophy on a movie, I'm not sure where I would be in life if I had never seen Out of Africa. Once again I'm finding words to live by in this current situation. In the movie, Tanne is reflecting on how she and her love interest, Denys, navigate differently. She says that perhaps Denys understands something that she does not - that the world was made round so that we could not see too far ahead.

I find these words comforting not so much for what they say, but for the world they negate. - the one where we would know everything that is going to happen and when. I find this to be a much more frightening alternative. So when my mom's situation begins to feel out of control, I repeat these words to myself, and work on shortening my view and surrendering to the current of life.